Alone on a Saturday night, aimlessly surfing the internet; for years that’s what I called my social life.If that sounds bleak and depressing to you, that’s because it was:
- I had no social life and I was tired of staying home alone all the time keeping busy with pointless hobbies. Why didn’t anyone ever invite me out?
- I had very few friends, and none that I saw outside of school or work. How DID people actually make friends?
- I was always anxious, nervous and tense in social situations, even just walking past someone and saying “hello”
- I had no idea how to keep a conversation going with someone I didn’t know well — my mind would always go blank or I would run out of things to say
- I was always the quiet, shy one in any group. The one who never said a word and just stood there
- I was very self-conscious and insecure about how I looked. Corny as it sounds, I never really “felt good about myself”
In Short, I Was A Complete Loser!
It wasn’t that I wanted to be lonely, but with people I didn’t feel comfortable talking around I would instantly become quiet and go into my shell.
I swear I’ve stood in a circle with some people I wanted to get to know better and not said a word, until people would barely notice that I was even there, like I was invisible or something.
I Didn’t Know How To Act or
Talk “Naturally” Around
People I Didn’t Know!
Doesn’t it drive you nuts? It wasn’t that I was afraid of talking, just that I didn’t know what to say. I wouldn’t say a word and I would just listen. But if someone said something funny, inside my head I would say: “Why didn’t I come up with that?” My mind seemed to go blank and the harder I tried to think up of something to say, the longer I didn’t actually say anything…
And it wasn’t for lack of trying, either – but all the advice I ever got from people who were supposed to be “friends” was: “You’ll break out of your shell someday” and “Don’t be shy. Just pretend to be confident“…
Yeah, Right. Easy For Them To Say…
I Had No Social Life and
Almost No Friends
Sometimes I started to feel as if I was just “different”. I didn’t know how to socialize like other people. I had a big problem becoming “close friends” with anyone.
To make matters worse, I didn’t really have a social life. Usually, I stayed at home by myself, keeping busy with solitary activities and pointless hobbies. Sometimes I thought I was passionate, but in the end, I was just lonely and bored. I spent a lot of time wondering what other “normal” people my age DID in their spare time.
And I always dreaded someone would ask me what my plans were for the weekend, or what I had done last night. Usually I had stayed home by myself and did nothing at all that was even worth mentioning.
…so usually I ended up becoming awkward, not saying anything at all. Sometimes I tried to frantically change the subject or find a distraction.
It Was So Frustrating!
But it seemed like all the loud people who never had anything intelligent to sayalways had crazy TRUE stories to tell and plenty of friends to hang out with and parties to go to. It was like a cycle that I just couldn’t break into, no matter how hard I wanted to.
So while I was thinking about how great my future would be, they were actually living it up in THE REAL WORLD. Not just daydream-land…
One night a few years ago, I got sick and tired of being shy and lonely and bored out of my mind. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I couldn’t stand the idea that I was going to spend the rest of my life being this socially phobic and die alone never having actually lived.
Fortunately, I’m The Kind Of Guy
Who’s Interested In Psychology
The one thing I had going for me was my brain. I was always interested in human psychology and “behavior research”
How To Overcome Shyness?
I doubted I’d find anything important, but I was desperate, so I threw myself into the research anyway…
I went on a personal mission, and spent months (sacrificing whatever social life I had left) doing nothing but reading dozens of psychology books, listening to dusty old audio courses and studying seminars…
By the end, I had spent dozens of weeks locked up in my room, trying to find the solution to end my shyness problem forever. I think you could safely say that…
I Spent Months Trying
To Find The Answer!
But you know what? It was worth every second! What I discovered nearly blew my mind — and turned my social life around completely!
I went from being a lonely “invisible” guy, to making everyone turn their heads when as I walk into a room with several friends. I can finally relax and enjoy conversations, talk confidently in front of groups of people and even approach attractive strangers who I want to meet.
After striking up a long string of great friendships with fun, interesting people,
I now have a group of friends, a social life, and a ….. – Something I thought would never happen!
In order to get over your shyness, you have to become less controlled by your emotions. This doesn’t mean to suppress your emotions; it simply means to act in spite of them. Mark Twain was the one who said “Courage is not the absence of fear. It is acting in spite of it.”
If you avoid people who make you feel shy, then you are being controlled by your emotions.
- If you avoid public speaking because it makes you feel anxious, you are being controlled by your emotions.
- If you don’t do something just because it makes you feel nervous or afraid, then you are being controlled by your emotions.
That is the ability you need to build if you want to overcome your shyness. You have to have the ability to act in spite of feeling a certain emotion. This means that if you feel afraid to do something, you do it anyway. Act in spite of fear.
If you talk to people even though they make you feel shy, then you’re no longer being controlled by your emotions.
If you talk to groups and make public presentations, then you are the one in charge now, not your fear.
Once you start acting in spite of fear, you will become more relaxed and easygoing in situations which used to make you nervous and shy. When you stop avoiding your fears, you allow your mind to desensitize to them. In psychology, this is also called habituation.